Showing posts with label academic fiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label academic fiction. Show all posts

Friday, October 23, 2009

Halloween Stories

One of the joys of working in higher ed is being surrounded by smart and creative people. Once upon a time, a group of us started a halloween tradition that consisted of swapping names, writing a spooky story about that person, and then reading them all at a party. Over the years we accumulated quite a number of these. It was a fun exercise to imagine colleagues and co-workers placed into crazy situations, and there was a lot of laughter at these parties. I have taken one of these stories I wrote and edited it to change the names and take out the inside jokes, except for the title, which I will explain:

Some of us were walking back from lunch at a local restaurant one summer day with a senior colleague named Jack. Jack had a long history with the institution and was always good for a unique perspective on things. On the stroll back, he started warning us about the president's 'secret signals.' One of these was that if the president pumped your hand three times on a handshake, it mean you'd be terminated. We just laughed.

Not more than three minutes later we encountered the very man--the president--on his way somewhere. He greeted Jack heartily and grabbed his hand. The pres was a two-handed shaker, right hand gripping yours and left hand holding your elbow tight. We all watched one pump...two...and as the president seemed prepared to go on, Jack ripped his arm away as if he'd been bitten. And that's why this story is called...

The Third Squeeze

Under the hot midday South Carolina sun, light washed off the wakes of overpowered john boats on Lake Wateree. Two men sat comfortably in swivel seats in a sparkling new fiberglass racing hull. The enormous Evinrude outboards weighed down the stern so that even dead in the water the boat's bow stuck up as if it were planing. Tim Spear sat in the front seat, farthest from the controls but closest to the cooler, which was fine by him. He wiped sweat from his forehead with an already saturated towel. He glanced under the brim of his Duke baseball cap at the elderly owner of the boat in the other seat. Ezra Warren seemed unmoved by the stifling heat. He was meticulously unclipping a purple worm from his swivel. The replacement--a yellow popper--was sitting on the president's lap. Soon to be ex-president, really, since he'd already announced his retirement. The politics of who would replace him were intense and unavoidable on the campus of Rocke College. Tim wondered for the hundredth time why the president had invited him on this fishing expedition.

"A little hot for October, don't you think so, sir?" Tim asked. He couldn't stand the silence for more than about five minutes.

"Nah, not really. I've seen it so hot at Thanksgiving that the fish had to come up for air. After a whole summer of the water not cooling enough to turn over, the dead vegetation at the bottom of the lake just used up all the oxygen. All we had to do was scoop the bass off the surface. Wasn't fair, really. I think Dan Birch was on that trip. You can ask him about it."

"Who, sir?"

"Dan--oh, I guess that was before your time. Dan was the veep for business operations before the new guy came on board. Got my bleep into bleep-load of trouble, he did."

Tim had already noticed that the president's manner of speaking was a little different on a fishing expedition than it was in front of the senate, but it was hard to get used to this continual swearing, which seemed to get worse with every beer the man consumed.

"What happened to Mr. Birch?"

"He went elsewhere. Just in the bleep-bleep nick of time too, or I'd have booted his sorry bleep the bleep over the horizon. Hand me another beer there, if it isn't too much trouble."

Tim hurried to comply with the request. He was relieved to see that there were only a few bottles left. Surely this tortuous expedition would end when the president ran out of drinks. Tim fumbled with the opener as the president belched a loud one and suddenly hollered.

"I got me one!" Sure enough, the tip of the fishing pole was bent over in a graceful curve that could only mean something substantial on the business end of the line.

"If this is another turtle, I'm gonna A-S his green bleep," the president muttered. Tim had heard this curious circumlocution several times on the trip already and was still no wiser as to what it meant. He had a good buzz on already from the heat and alcohol, but was managing admirable self-restraint. Just imagine that you're in his office, he reminded himself through the haze of free radicals.

It was no turtle this time. Instead, a nice sized olive and silver fish flashed to the surface and flailed once before diving under the boat.

"On the motor boy!" the president yelled, standing and leaning out over the boat. The rod was bent into a U. Tim had been well coached on this maneuver, and he leapt to the bow where a trolling motor was mounted. Hoping he wouldn't screw anything up, he thumbed the switch to the 'on' position. The boat immediately started circling. The wrong way.

"Other way! Son of a cabbage, don't let him get away! This one's a keeper!" Tim complied as quickly as he could, jerking the tiny helm around 180 degrees. He tried to shake the mist from his head. Was the president really cursing in vegetables, or was his abused brain merely taking artistic license?

"Got him! He's coming up! Grab the net Ben!"

Tim didn't think this was the time to correct the man on his given name, so he grabbed the net, trying to look like a Ben. By a stroke of luck, he managed to neatly sweep the flopping bass up in a single try, and held it up for the other's inspection.

"Hot yam! That's a mother-tuber of a nice fish! Wait 'til Sarah sees this one!" He did a little dance. After yanking the hook out of the fish's mouth with a pair of pliers, the president deposited it into the live well. It was the first one they'd landed worth keeping. Tim himself had had only nibbles.

"Way to go, sir!" Tim congratulated his boss.

"Well now, a few more of those and we'll have a meal. You can turn off the troller now." After the boat was dead in the water once more, the president checked his lure for damage before flinging it back into the water with an expert snap of his wrist. The line whispered through the reel until the yellow popper smacked into the water near a log. They fished in silence for a while. At last, the president gave a grunt of disgust.

"I think we'd best move on to a better spot, Fred," he said. "The fish have figured us out here."

"Okay."

The huge engines coughed once before bursting into lusty voice. The president slapped the gear handle and the boat leapt with a jerk that threw Tim's head back. He had learned earlier to hold on or be thrown out of the boat. As the speed increased the ride became smoother.

"I didn't just bring you out here to fish, you know," the president shouted over the roar of the Evinrudes.

"No?" Tim tried to seem indifferent. In reality his heart was pounding. This had to be important, he thought.

"Let me find some shade, and we'll talk," came the shout forward. Tim held on tight as the boat turned sharply and headed into a small inlet surrounded by a shallow swamp. The motors cut off and the boat glided under the largest Cyprus trees Tim had ever seen. Their passage was slowed to a stop by thousands of lily pads.

"There. Out of the sun for a few minutes. Better, huh? Betcher cabbage it is." Tim wasn't so sure. He could already see clouds of mosquitoes approaching.

The president finished shutting the electrical system off, and then swiveled around to meet the gaze of the English professor. He didn't say anything for a full minute. Tim fidgeted, slapping at imaginary bugs. What did this guy want, he wondered.

"I know you've been applying around," the president said finally.

"Oh that. Nothing, really. I wasn't sure I'd get tenure, so I just..." Tim trailed off as the other held up a hand to stop him.

"I understand. That's not what this is about. I just want to make sure you're not unhappy here. Your presence is valuable to me." Tim tried to keep his astonishment from showing. The guy didn't even know his name!

"Yes, in ways you may not even think of, you are indispensable to this institution." The president waved his arms and it wasn't hard to imagine that the mighty tree trunks were the columns of Founder’s Hall.

"Young blood," he continued. "That's what we need. Dean Cartwright and I are of one mind on this topic." Tim felt like he should say something, but he couldn't figure out how to make his tongue work. His face worked, producing only 'ga-ga-ga' noises that went unnoticed.

"Every great institution is based on people. There are followers and there are leaders. They're equally important. Which are you, Ron?"

"A leader?" Tim gasped.

"No. You're a follower. Nothing wrong with that, boy. Less headaches, trust me."

"Fewer headaches," Tim croaked, and then was horrified that he had corrected the president's grammar. This too, went unnoticed.

"The followers are the really important ones, anyway. From Idaho Beach to the setting foot on Mars. Followers get the job done. No shame in that, now is there?"

Tim violently shook his head as if dismayed by the thought.

"I, or rather WE, have a job for you. The kind of job not just anyone could do. There are so few people around with real talent for the kind of work that's genuinely needed. Smart-mouth intellectuals are a dime a bushel, but real solid DOers, they are hard to come by. Dean Cartwright and I think you are such a person." The president's dark eyes bored into Tim's skull. He had no more chance than a rabbit on board with a cobra. He nodded numbly.

"Good. I knew you'd agree. Then let me tell you specifically what we have in mind. Do you want another beer?" Before the dazed Medievalist could object, the last frosty can was popped and thrust into his hands.

"First of all, you need to know that you've been watched very closely and groomed for this special position. Your wife's job, your committee assignments, and even some of your classes have been arranged for this purpose. Also putting a chair in charge of your department that would drive you crazy. Make that two chairs, although Dr. Gibbon was just a happy coincidence. I have to apologize for this now, but we wanted you unsettled, almost unhappy. The last thing we wanted was a complacent, fat, and lazy Ron Spear."

"Tim," Tim squeaked.

"What?"

"My name is Tim. Not Ron. Tim. Short for Timothy. Rhymes with Jim, whim, and slim. Not like Ron, which rhymes with begone, Jon, and c'mon." Tim was in full babble mode and the breaking gear was stripped to the shaft. He continued in the same way until the president physically forced him to drink the rest of his beer.

"I can see you're surprised. Shocked even. Here, you need something a bit stronger than that lite beer." President Warren dug into a cabinet and came up with a bottle of rum.

"Pusser’s Rum okay? It's good enough for the British navy. Never touch the stuff myself, but I keep it for emergencies. Here you go."

Tim downed a swig of the sweet liquor. Sweat ran down his face.

"Gud."

"You becher sweet tomatoes it's good. That's the reason the good lord invented sugar cane. Have some more. That's right. You just hang onto the bottle, and I'll tell you a story or two." The president opened the top button on his shirt and settled back into his seat. He reached into his pocket an produced a crumpled pack of Camels. He pushed in the cigarette lighter button next to the ignition and waited for it to pop out while he fished out a slightly bent cigarette. Breathing life into it, he sucked deeply and visibly relaxed his posture. He seemed years older to Tim in that instant. The alcohol had instantly penetrated his dehydrated brain, though, and his judgment had flown to the four points of the compass. He waited dumbly for the other to top the astonishments that had already transpired, sure somehow that that was to come to pass. Pungent blue smoke from the cigarette enveloped the boat. Any mosquito that flew into it immediately perished. Finally, the president spoke.

"The college has always had a need for a strong personality to keep troublemakers in line. To make the machinery operate smoothly. Without people like Stonepot the whole system would break down."

"Stonepot?" Tim said in surprise, before he could think.

"Sure. Good ole' A-S. But you know, Ahab is getting old. He can't see as good as he used to, and he gets out of breath so easily. For some things he's still at the top of his game, but there's definitely a need for some new blood."

"What? You want me to become Stonepot?" Tim wished his mouth would just shut up, but it seemed to be no longer connected to his rational parts. He tried to wrap his mind around the connection between him and the faculty’s most opinionated and vocal--and feared--member.

"Tim, I know it's a big assignment. I know it seems impossible. And we know that you'll bring your own unique style to the job. You won't be Stonepot--hell, who could be--but you'll be Spear. You'll be the Stonepot that Ahab only dreams of."

"I'm not quite following all this. You aren't talking about being a sociology professor, are you?"

The president laughed so unexpectedly and loudly that Tim nearly peed his pants in terror. Heretofore he had only heard the man chuckle during a faculty senate meeting. This long orgasm of hilarity that went on and on left his hair standing on end. Who was this person he was in a boat with, he wondered suddenly. He began to be the tiniest bit afraid beneath the anesthetic fog of the alcohol. The truth is that he should have been running for the hills at that point, but how far can you run on a twenty foot fishing boat? Besides, how was he to know that some very fine German optics had produced a rifle scope that was trained on the back of his head with the whisper-thin crosshairs picking out the bumps at the exact spot where his skull met his spine? Only a psychic would have known that a certain aforementioned sociology professor was sweating his bleep off in the swamp adjacent to the boat, and that despite the uncontrollable natural elements: mosquitoes, snakes, and even alligators, his right index finger never wavered on the trigger.

"No," the president wiped mirth from his eyes, "not sociology. What we need is a strong arm man. An enforcer. What Ahab brings to the job is the ability to make certain recalcitrant faculty members work hand in hand with the administration. This is not ordinarily the case, you understand. For example, take Gibbons. She knows if she screws up she'll start getting phone calls in the middle of the night asking her if she knows where her dog is. The secret is to be proportional. That's not Ahab's strong suit, frankly. He goes for the nukes right off the bat. I think you've got more sense than he does, though. Are you following any of this?"

Tim couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"This is a joke, right? You guys are having me on. What, is there a video recorder somewhere here? C'mon, an 'enforcer?' You can't be serious."

"Serious as a heart attack, my boy. But I can see you need some convincing." The president stepped to the bow and engaged the trolling motor once more. The boat eased through the lily pads to an enormous tree trunk sticking out of the water. Pulling alongside, the president turned the motor off. He pointed at the tree.

"You see that spike in the side of the tree there?" Following the pointing finger, Tim made out a slime-covered railroad spike hammered deep into the wood about an inch above the water. There was a chain attached to it.

"Pull up that chain for me, would you?"

Tim leaned over the side and stuck his hands into the water with evident disgust. Algae covered the chain. It was quite heavy, and he sweated and swore under his breath trying to bring the thing to the surface. A mass about the size of a basketball emerged. It was impossible to tell what it was because of the goop covering it. Tim looked at the president for instruction.

"Well, put it in the boat, boy. We don't have all day." A trace of tension showed in the old man's voice for the first time.

"Yes, sir." Tim heaved the mass into the boat, covering himself with green ooze in the process. He looked sadly at his clothes. They were already beginning to stink.

"Open it up."

Tim looked more closely at the thing. It was a canvas bag with eyelets through which the chain ran, forming the top of the sack. He loosened the chain and pried the top open.

"Go ahead and dump it into the boat. It won't bite." The president gave a sharp barking laugh. He retrieved another cigarette and stuck it between his lips where it dangled, unlit. Tim turned the sack over and shook it. Water rushed out into the boat. Whatever was inside was too big to fit through the opening, so Tim fed some more chain into the eyelets and then shook the bottom again. A round thing thumped into the boat and rolled against Tim's feet. It had been in the water for a long, long time, but it could only be the skull and decomposed remains of a man's head. A few strands of matted hair remained on the scalp. The president grunted in satisfaction. Tim turned and spewed the contents of his stomach into the lake. He lay gagging, half in and half out of the boat, for several minutes.

"Meet Mr. Birch," the president said to his back. "He just couldn't see eye to eye with us on some important issues. Thought he ought to go tell the board of trustees about some things that were going on, and did so behind our backs. Some people just don't know what's good for them."

"You...you killed him?" Tim croaked weakly, still staring at the water. He had no desire to look back in the boat. The president stuffed the loathsome object back into the bag and dropped it over the side.

"It's safe to come back in now," he chuckled.

Tim felt a hand on his elbow, and allowed himself to be helped back to his seat. The president thrust a towel into his hands and sat down himself.

"So," he said, "now you know where ONE of the bodies is buried." He laughed and finally lit his cigarette.

"Why me?" Tim asked, his voice shaking.

"Well, you're smart, for one thing. And you've got your head screwed on straight. Stonepot, he likes his job just a bit too much. I think you'll be much easier to handle. Who knows, maybe you could be a dean or president yourself some day."

"Thanks oh-so-much for your kind offer, but I wonder if I could have some time to think it over? Run it by my wife..."

"No can do, boy. You're smarter than that. I've done showed you where the Mr. Birch is. You can figure out for yourself that we can't just let you go blabbing your fool head off about this. Not that anyone would believe you, anyhow, of course. But you've got to decide right now if this is something you're interested in."

"And if not?"

The president's eyes turned reptilian.

"No problem," he said carefully. "We'll just shake on it, and agree never to talk about these events again." Then he brightened. "But that won't happen, I'm sure. Once you think about the benefits, you'll agree. For starters, we'd double your salary--off the books, of course, so you don't have to pay taxes on it. You could be chair of your department, chair of the senate... Anything you want, within reason."

"It all sounds very nice, really. Uh, the phone calling and heads in swamps. It's what I've always dreamed of, but I just don't think this is the right career move for me at this time. It's very tempting, and I'm so flattered by your generous offer that it leaves me breathless. But I'm really just an academic at heart. I'd much rather read about slaying and goring than actually participate."

"This is a big decision, you're making son. Are you absolutely certain that you're not interested in helping us out?"

"Helping you out is one thing. Being a bully is something else. I really don't think I'm cut out for that line of work, as tempting as the offer is. So, yes, I'm sure."

"I understand your decision, Ted, and I respect that. Really, I do." The president's expression was indecipherable. He spat the cigarette out of his mouth and into the lake.

"It wasn't supposed to be you," he said sadly, after a moment had passed. "You were a substitute."

"It was Sean, wasn't it?" Tim said with a sudden flash of insight.

"See, I told you you were smart. Yep, we had high hopes for Dr. Links. He really had what it takes. He didn't bat an eye when I showed him what's left of Dan Birch. Just asked where to sign up, cool as a cucumber."

"So you didn't kill him too?"

"Don't be an imbecile. No, we gave him that sabbatical as a perk--a kind of welcome aboard gift. Then he went and got hisself killed by some kind of swamp monster down near Savannah. Well, you know the story as well as I do. It's a damned shame. He could have eaten Stonepot for breakfast." The president made a dismissive gesture.

"Well, I guess we'd better head back," he said. He stood and held both arms straight up in the air for a moment. Tim stared at the unusual behavior, wondering if the sun was getting to the old man. Then he blinked. A perfectly round hole had just appeared in the empty beer can sitting on the gunwale. Half a second later came a flat report. Time seemed to almost stand still. Tim turned to look at the president, who no longer had his arms in the air. The man was watching him with cool contempt. Tim's brain was still trying to catch up to current events when a spattering of fiberglass slivers rained across his arm, followed closely by a second report. The president lost his composure and bellowed at the trees.

"You shot my boat, you frog-basted celery dip!"

Tim's mouth hung open in amazement. Shots? He was being shot at? By whom? He peered into the swamp and saw a small flash of light. Something whined by his left ear in a most peculiar way.

"Someone's shooting at us!" Tim gasped, and hit the deck. "Get down!"

"Stop!" the president bellowed across the water to the corpulent would-be assassin. "Stop shooting! You'll sink us, you idiot! Or worse, you might hit me," he muttered.

A faint voice spoke from the trees. "Did I get him?"

"No!" the president shouted back. "You couldn't hit a barn with a bazooka! Now cease fire!" Then he said to Tim, "You've got to do the job yourself if you want it done right."

Tim looked up to see the president heft a large wooden boathook. Squealing with alarm, Tim scrambled out of the boat and into the stagnant water. The boathook nearly parted his hair during the rapid egress, but he splashed into the lily pads unharmed. He flailed at them until he realized he could grab the stalks and pull himself through the water much faster than he could swim. He ducked under the water and made for the shore. He knew Stonepot was waiting there with a rifle somewhere, but swimming across the longer part of the inlet was out of the question. The president would surely run over him with the boat if he tried that. He quickly ran out of breath and surfaced to get his bearings. He wiped his eyes and looked for the boat. It was still there. Stonepot and Warren were shouting at one another. Tim submerged again and headed toward the thickest part of the trees. After half a minute he surfaced again. There was no more shouting now. He checked on the boat. It was still in place, and the president was doing something... Suddenly he felt an intense sharp pain in his right ear. His head was yanked around to the right, almost ripping his ear off his head. He screamed, and slapped at it with his hand. Then he saw the president standing on the boat with fishing rod in hand, cranking furiously on the handle of the reel. He'd been hooked just like a fish! He cursed and sputtered, but there was nothing to do but head back toward the boat to ease the pain. He briefly thought of trying to wrap the line around some obstruction, but the line was simply too taut.

"Stop pulling, you evil bleep," he bellowed. The president laughed and cranked away. Tim tried to grab the line with his hand, but it was too slick to hold.

"Got me an assistant professor, Ahab!" he yelled. "Think I should throw him back?" A laugh came from within the swamp. Tim despaired. He was completely exhausted by the time he reached the side of the boat again. The tension on the hook set in his ear never let up.

"Get back in the boat," the president ordered. Tim tried to comply, but the side of the boat offered little purchase for that purpose. Finally he grabbed the anchor line and managed to use it to pull himself up high enough to grab one of the safety rails on the gunwale. He used the last of his energy to heave himself back over into the stern of the boat. He closed his eyes and wheezed, waiting for the boathook to come crashing into his skull. After a while, he opened his eyes. The president was bent over in his seat. His face was very pale, and he was gasping for air like a fish out of water.

"My...heart..." he croaked. "...pills..." he pointed shakily at a blue and white windbreaker stowed new the engines. Tim reached over and shook a prescription bottle out of the pocket.

"This what you want?" he asked.

"What's going on?" Stonepot shouted from the swamp.

"I think he's having a heart attack," Tim shouted back. He popped open the bottle and looked at the little white pills.

"Holy Chitaquata smothered mushrooms!" Stonepot threw down his rifle and began slogging out to the boat as fast as his awkward hip-high rubber waders would allow him to move.

"How many pills should I give him?" Tim asked him.

"How the heloaise should I know? Give him the whole bottle."

"The whole bottle? There's like two dozen pills in there!"

Stonepot was having problems of his own. Once he got out deep enough, water had rushed into the waders and turned them into anchors. He sank in the soft mud until only his head, shoulders, and increasingly frantic arms remained above water. The president suddenly fell out of his seat and collapsed into a ball in the bottom of the boat. He made strange sounds.

"Hey Ahab, you know CPR right?"

"I think I'm sinking here!"

"What's a death rattle sound like? Listen, can you hear that?"

"I can't get my feet out of the mud! Help!"

"It's really more of a grinding wheeze than a rattle, though. Should I go ahead and force a pill down his throat?"

"Throw me a life preserver! I can't get these waders off!"

Tim thought about it for a second. His ear felt like it had been removed with a steak knife. Shrugging, he uncoiled a line attached to a white floatation ring. It said 'Sarah II' along the side. Holding onto the bitter end, Tim tossed the ring at Stonepot's head. His shoulders had disappeared. The throw was accurate, and Stonepot gratefully snatched at the ring.

"Pull me out," he ordered.

"Why should I?" Tim asked. "You were trying to kill me just a few minutes ago."

"That's true. I didn't though. That should count for something. How is he?"

"Oh, I think he's not going to be forming any blue ribbon committees anytime soon."

"He's not dead, is he?" Panic showed in Stonepot's voice again.

Tim nudged Rocke's chief executive with his toe. He lifted an arm and let it drop. There was no response. He rolled the man over onto his back. His eyes were still open and bulging. He wasn't breathing. Tim felt suddenly dizzy and sat. Two dead people in one day was too much, he though.

"Well?" came a pathetic voice from the swamp.

"I believe the technical term is deader than a doorknob."

Stonepot actually sobbed and hid his face.

"There wasn't anything I could do," Tim said. "Anyway, he tried to kill me too. You people are twisted. Stop crying. Did he owe you money or something?"

"Worse. Why do you think I put up with his stinking carcass for all these years? He has all the dirt on everybody! He's like the J. Edgar Hoover of Rockeville. Spies everywhere! In the event of his death, it all comes out. Why do you think everyone is--was--so deferential to him?"

"So he really does know where all the bodies are, then?"

"Well he put about half of them there himself, so yes. I'm a dead man. I can't go to jail, Tim. I'm too old."

"I guess you better just stay out here in the swamp then," Tim said. "I can't help you." He was looking around for a tool box. There had to be one somewhere, he figured.

"I think I'm still sinking, even with this ring. These waders have filled up with swamp mud, I think. They must weigh a ton."

"That wasn't very smart, running out into the lake." Tim located a small bag of hand tools by the engine controls and snapped it open. He located a pair of needle-nose pliers that also served as wire-cutters. Perfect for what he wanted.

"I know. I'm too old for this. You were supposed to take over."

"You mean Sean, don't you?" Tim gritted his teeth and snapped the end of the hook off. The yellow popper fell to the deck. The right side of Tim's head was sticky with drying blood, and his ear was swelling up like a grapefruit.

"Sean Links? Yeah. He would've been good at it. Frankly he scared me. We could still do it, you know. We just have to find out who Warren's lawyer is and make him tell us where the files are. You probably are in there too somewhere."

"Me? I haven't done anything."

"Never had an affair? Never said the wrong thing to a female student, or had a conference with the door shut? You'd be surprised how some things look in the right light."

"No, nothing like that. Don't try to drag me down to your level, Stonepot." Tim suddenly laughed as he realized he'd made a joke.

"Are you going to get me out of here or what?"

Tim nodded. He cleated off the end of the lifeline.

"Hang on, and I'll pull you out." Without waiting for a response, he moved the body in the boat to the stern where it would be out of the way. Then he turned the ignition and fired the huge dual engines to life. He shoved the gear lever into forward and eased the throttle up. The boat nosed out of the inlet, leaving a wake of chopped lily pads. Stonepot was pulled out of the mud, and towed along behind the boat.

"Hey--" he sputtered, trying to get to the air--"I can't breathe. Slow down!"

Tim didn't hear him. He shoved the throttle forward. The wind felt great in his hair. He looked back to make sure Stonepot was still there. The life ring was nearly submerged from the rushing water and substantial weight attached to it. I wonder why he doesn't stick his head up higher, Tim wondered. He could probably breathe better that way. Maybe if I increase the speed he can body surf. He shoved the lever to the wall and the engines screamed. He had to steer in a serpentine route down the lake because he couldn't see straight ahead, the bow was up so high. Halfway across the lake he looked back again and saw that Stonepot had let the ring go. It skipped easily along the waves, unfettered.

Just as well that he decided not to face the music, Tim thought to himself. It'll be easier that way. He went over his story again. The president had invited him out on the lake. Tim had accidently hooked his own ear. Someone had shot at the boat, probably accidently, and the president had gotten so excited he'd had a heart attack. There would be no words about rotund assassins or decayed heads. No, once he had a real chance to think about it, Tim realized that the president had been pretty shrewd. Some things would have to change, of course. No need to be so heavy handed. First, of course, he had to find out where the files were. Happy engaged in the project of figuring out exactly what pressure to put on Sarah Warren, Tim sailed straight into a freshening breeze and a brighter future.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

An Academic Short Story

Nightmare in Mauve

(With apologies to John D. McDonald)

*** 9:15 am Monday ***


Tatiana stared across the brown conference table at the object of her ire. Exactly three hairs graced the dome of Rocke College’s Assistant Dean for Efficiency, Harry Hapollonian. She thought he resembled the plaster cast of Napoleon’s deathmask, sunken cheeks and all. He rumbled rather than spoke, sounding like James Earl Jones with strep throat.

“It won’t do to have all these distractions from the main point. We have to stay on target here. The simple fact is that we have only around 400 students in the day program. Yet in a year, we teach more than 400 individual classes in the day program, eye, ee, more than one class per student. That simply can’t continue.”

Tatiana half rose from her chair.

“You’re the one missing the point, Harry! How can we call ourselves a college, let alone a liberal arts college, without an Existential Studies program?” None of the other department chairs would meet her eye. Sheep, she thought, but she knew it wasn’t fair.

The scene was far from bucolic. Eight of her colleagues, campus leaders from all disciplines, surrounded the table—itself a symbol of Rocke’s advertised ‘brown table’ educational approach. The soothing darkness of the faux oak was supposed to induce a state of near hypnotic stupor, into which a knowledgeable guide could inject antidotes to ignorance. Assuming, of course, that the guide herself avoided the siren call of the table, a feat not within most of the gathered division chairpeople at the moment. Tatiana thought she saw a bit of drool on the representative from PE, a nearly senile woman named Gertrude Gertrod. There wasn’t much to work with, Tatiana thought, yet she knew she couldn’t afford to alienate these people if she was going to accomplish anything with her argument.

“The next order of business is consideration of reducing class meeting times from fifty minutes to forty,” the assistant dean said, ignoring the pesky Chair of Existential Studies. “This has the effect of increasing efficiency by 20%. Now let’s talk about pedagogy—what goes on in the classroom—how you teach your classes. I’m sure this will be a minor adjustment, but the dean and I want to make sure, ABSOLUTELY sure, that the faculty is on board with this.” He paused and stretched out his arms to include the whole campus in his warm embrace. “So let’s have it. What comments have you solicited from your departments? Your respective departments. Gertrude, let’s hear from PE—eye, ee, physical education.”

“Eh?” Gertrude roused herself and looked around. “Harry, you are a pedantic ass,” she announced to all who hadn’t noticed. Then she opened her mouth and let forth a stream of profanities, general in nature, but revolving around nuns from a certain parochial school. As the volume and anatomical specificity escalated, Harry’s eyes began to bulge and the tendons on his neck strained.

“Thank you for that report!” he attempted, but it was no good to interrupt her. She had to run her course, which she did after a good two minutes, at which point she had to breathe, and promptly fell asleep on the table.

“Ahem. Any more cogent—eye, ee, thoughtful reactions?” he asked finally.

“Well, I do have one tiny observation,” Tatiana said.

Harry glared for an instant, but there was little he could do, so he adopted a cameric smile and nodded for her to continue.

Tatiana began to speak very quickly and fluidly.

“I tried this in class—eye, ee, where I teach my students—tried talking 20% faster than usual and just running sentences together to economize on the empty spaces in conversation I had heretofore left as time for thought but which I realize now is completely unnecessary especially in Existential Studies as time for reflection can only subvert our true motives, and I have found that the result is amazingly good—the only problem is how to maintain this energy level for a whole forty minutes, eye, ee, two thirds of an hour, without collapsing from exhaustion.” She took an ostentatious breath and continued. “So I think it is only fair to prorate this time at a higher level than the comparatively luxurious fifty minute hour allows. Since we are expected to deliver the same content in less time, at a higher energy rate, we should be paid at a commensurately higher rate, eye, ee, we should all get 20% pay raises.”

Harry blanched and fixed her with his most lethal assistant deanship gaze. She did not turn to stone, however, but continued to speak.

“Also, I think this principle should be applied to all committee meetings, foreshortening the Brownian bureaucratic horror we face every Tuesday. Oops, look at the time! By my watch, newly accelerated, we are over time here. I’ve got to go put up my Christmas decorations.” She left the meeting agenda and her sparse notes lying on the table, and exited the room as gracefully as she could. Her head was spinning with the realization of what was happening. She was about two semesters from being out of a job—she and the whole Existential Studies department, except for maybe a stub left to teach the required Zen Cheerleading distribution requirement. She mused about who it might be. As she inserted the brass key in the doorknob to her office, she saw with dread that Milton Morton was shambling up. The large round man swayed with each step, an earnest expression plastered on his face as always.

“I was wondering if I could have a word, Doctor Tolstov,” he said, almost wringing his hands.

“Sure, Mil, step into my lair.”

As Milton settled into a creaking chair, he turned to make sure the door was shut behind him. He deposited a sheaf of wrinkled and besweated notes on the subject of transcendental frenetics on a table, and spoke.

“I heard a rumor, Doctor Tolstov, that we’re all going to be fired. Is it true?”

Amazing, Tatiana thought. The grapevine here was so good that news got out 3.5 milliseconds before it was actually created. She wondered if she should do a paper on endochronic communications for the annual conference. Automatically, the right words came to her lips.

“Well, you know how this place is, Mil. A butterfly landing on the president’s hat causes an earthquake in the locker room thirty minutes later. You can’t put any stock in what you hear from...where did you hear this?”

“Tick-tock’s secretary told me,” he said. Tick-tock was the nickname of the assistant dean for efficiency, eye, ee, Harry Hapollonian.

“Brenda?” Tatiana squelched her next remark as unsuitable for Milton’s ears. Brenda Bender took sadistic pleasure in meting out bad news. A perfect match for her boss.

“Look, Mil, we’ve been through this before. Every five years or so, they suddenly realize again that the traditional program is horribly inefficient and only stays afloat because it’s subsidized by the non-traditional program in the evening. So they do a reductionist bottom-up analysis and find a few arteries to cauterize. Meanwhile the patient needs an organ transplant.”

“So it’s true? I’m too old to go looking for jobs.” Milton’s face began to scrunch up.

“Don’t you dare cry on me again! Look, Mil, you’ve been here longer than any of us. So you only have a Master’s, believe me, that will actually put you ahead of the game. They aren’t going to fire you.”

“You think?” one sniffle escaped, to be absorbed by a generously stained sleeve.

“Sure. Think about it. They still have to cover the distribution requirement. Do you think any self-respecting Ph.D. is going to stick around for that alone, if they eliminate the majors? No offense, naturally. I’ll be out of here in a Shanghai second.”

“I wouldn’t want that,” Milton said sadly. Tatiana had never seen the man happy, but this was too much.

“Cheer up bud, things are darkest just before the execution.” She crinkled her nose to show him she was joking.

“Maybe we could get a petition together. Call a special faculty senate meeting? I’m sure our colleagues won’t stand for this.”

How little you know them, Tatiana thought. But she smiled anyway, at his optimism.

“Sure Mil, I’ll be the first to sign it. Now I’ve got to get some coffee.” The gentle hint was enough to get her guest to leave. She was completely surprised, moments later, when Milton reappeared with what looked exactly like a petition.

*** 10:15 am ***

Yvette Yakkit, Rocke’s one and only economics professor, cursed the ancient copier that had mangled yet another assignment. Red hieroglyphics theoretically showed her how to fix the problem.

“I’m an academic, not a mechanic!” she glared at the machine, as if to will the whole industrial revolution back into the genie’s bottle.

“Doctor Yakkit, would you like to sign my petition?” Milton thrust a clipboard at her. She turned to him, eyes still blazing, and cursed beautifully in Farsi.
“Sad-hezaar La'nat bar Sheytun!”
Then she realized her childishness.

“I’m sorry Milton, it’s this, ...this, machine.”

“It’s okay. I can come back later.”

“No, please, let me sign it. What is it?”

“It’s to call a special senate meeting to discuss the ongoing efficiency study.”

“Efficiency?” her eyes showed a trace of interest.

“You know—Tick-Tock’s committee,” Milton sneaked a peek to each side to make sure no administrator had heard him use the pejorative name for the assistant dean.

“Sure, then. Do you know how to fix this thing? I’ll kiss you if you do.”


*** 10:30 am ***

Bill Baglia was amazed that someone was knocking on the bathroom stall. He lowered the folded Wall Street Journal and forgot mutual fund listings for the moment.

“Yes? It’s occupied. Just a minute.”

“Doctor Baglia, I’m sorry to bother you, but you weren’t in your office, and I thought I might find you in here...”

“Milton? What the hell? What’s so important—is it Kay? Oh, my God, is—”

“—no, no, there’s no emergency. I’m sorry. I can wait.”

“Well, hell, man, out with it! What’s so important?”

Without saying a word, Milton slid the clipboard under the stall, where it was reluctantly retrieved. There was silence from within for a moment.

“Yes, I’ll sign it. About time someone did something about this! Our Biology budget is continually underfunded, while we have to put up with parasite programs like Existential Studies. What the hell is that anyway? Does anyone know? Sure I’ll be there.”

“It’s an important branch of ethics,” Milton attempted, taken aback by the assault on his turf.

“Ethics my arse.” He slid the clipboard back, ending the conversation with a significant rustling of his newspaper.


*** 11:00 am ***

“You got Baglia to sign?” Tatiana couldn’t hide her amazement. “He plays golf with Tick-Tock, you know.”

“Uh, he wasn’t exactly supportive of our agenda. I kind of annoyed him, I think. It was in the bathroom. He was in a stall.”

Tatiana laughed at the image. She shook her head.

“This is wonderful, though, Mil. When people see his signature on here, they’ll think the dean is on board too. Nice work! I think you’re going to get your meeting. How many more names do you need?”

“Seventeen,” Milton said proudly.

“This just might work,” Tatiana said with a grin. “Tell you what—do you have another clipboard?” The normally embarrassing idea of soliciting signatures on a petition had become a Quixotic mission, a last tilt at el molino de viento. She laughed at herself after Milton left, for being sucked into his project by the shear romantic absurdity of it. It felt good to be doing something, even if it was obviously futile. She wondered how many of the women on the Titanic had fixed their hair as the ship was going down.

*** 9:30 am Tuesday ***

Ezra Ebeknedzer, the president of Rocke College, was not a big man. He had a presence, though, and when he spoke, people tended to look around to see where the compelling strains of his voice originated. He met Tatiana at the door and shook her hand with both of hers, lingering just a bit too long for strict political correctness. A large custom carpet in the college’s colors, mauve and yellow, showed a sturdy oak with branches interwoven with a Latin banner proclaiming the academy’s motto: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. The president’s paneled oak desk was polished to an impeccable shine, and neatly arranged with piles of papers. There was no ugly computer monitor to destroy the aesthetic. Computers were for minions.

Ezra guided Tatiana to a round oak conference table, and sat her in one of the leather chairs.

“Coffee?”

“Black, thanks.”

“Two coffees, Miss Iona,” he addressed the open door, using the southern affectation he favored.

“Miss Tatiana. Tell me, how are things over in Existential Studies? Is the department pushing us forward or holding us back?”

The blunt question was a standard one, and Tatiana was expecting it.

“Forward, sir. We grease the psychic gears of mind machinery. Expect great things. Hoo-ah.” This last bit was obligatory homage to the CEO’s military career prior to coming to higher education.

“Hoo-ah, indeed. Well then—here’s the hot black stuff. Thank you Miss Iona. We’ll be in conference now.”

Ezra’s most powerful weapon as an executive was his patience. It was he who had called headstrong Chair of ES here after hearing about the bothersome petition, but now that she was here, he simply sat and waited for her to speak. The silence didn’t make him the least uncomfortable, and he had the uncanny ability to infect others with this calm. The silence endured long enough for Tatiana to settle automatically into her committee-trance. Her visual mantra was the image of dozens of memos rolling themselves into tubes and spontaneously assembling a long tunnel into which she was propelled. Blurred To: and From: lines in various fonts escorted her into that otherness of self communication through her internal meta-language (Wittgenstein was full of bratwurst in her opinion). Normally the drone of mindless verbiage from her colleagues and the brown table effect aided her on her journey, but today she had something better: the hypnotic gaze of the president. Time went hyperbolic for a while, and she wasn’t surprised to find herself talking at the end of it. She let the words flow, feeling them burp up from her chest, settle on her tongue, and float off in puffs, but making no sense of them whatever. The president was nodding, taking notes now and then.

“Would you like some more coffee?” he asked finally, breaking the spell. It was rhetorical because she hadn’t touched the stuff.

“Sorry,” she said, somewhat embarrassed. “I babbled, didn’t I?”

“Not too badly. You said what needed to be said.”

Tatiana sat, suddenly drained. The petition seemed like such a silly thing. What the hell had she been thinking? She gave her best sardonic grin.

“So how long do I have to live, doc?”

He threw his head back and laughed like it was the best joke he’d ever heard. A hearty, me-too kind of laugh that turned heads.

He’s so damned good, Tatiana thought, it’s impossible not to like this guy. Even though he’s about to fire me.

“So here’s the way it is, Miss Tatiana, since you’ve asked. Your classes are too small. Not just yours, but practically everybody’s. It’s just that ES is more expendable than, say, English.”

“But small classes are what we sell here...”

“I know, I know. But small and too small are different things. Do you know how much it costs to teach a class?”

“Ummmm.....”

“About eight grand in your department. Do you know how much tuition we get out of a class with four students in it? About $3,600.”

The coldness of the inequality left her defenseless. What good pitting philosophers against accountants? The outcome was clear.


“What if I give you bigger classes?” she asked. She sounded pathetic to herself. I should go buy myself a pocket protector and clip-on calculator, she thought.

The president narrowed his eyes to slits and steepled his fingers, calculating the politics of works in motion. Memos were already in flight to board members, key committee members were primed with the right bias, and a compliant Institutional Planning office had the proper reports prepared.

“I can’t make any promises,” he said. There was no more than a token of warmth left in his voice, and Tatiana knew the interview was over. She nodded, looked stupidly at the surface of the cold coffee, and stood to go.

“Hey,” he said to her back, “Try it. It’s worth a shot.”

“Sure. Thanks for your time.”

“Any time, Miss Tatiana. My door is always open.”
She gave Iona Isis half a smile as she left. She considered giving up, as she walked back to her building. But the thought of telling Milton was too much. Better to play the hand out. At least no one would think her a coward.

*** Lunch ***

Fried Spam quesadillas, folded neatly in half, leaked denatured cheese around the edge of Roland Rhumba’s plate. A half-destroyed textbook, veteran of hundreds of religious wars against ignorance supported the plate like a mythical array of elephants supporting the earth. From this ersatz pedestal he sawed at the tortillas.

“What’s news?” Tatiana asked, sliding in beside him. She was still upset from her meeting with the president, and had taken only salad. Only from the top of the bowl, of course. Underneath the healthy green stuff was the ‘less fresh’ greenery, commonly referred to as ‘compost.’ In the dining hall, any meal you could walk away from was a good meal.

“The news, my dear Tatiana, is that our students, to use an overly optimistic description of the primates I attempt to communicate with twelve hours a week, are insipid, completely materialistic, spoiled dimwits.”

“Uggies,” she replied superciliously, forking a safe-looking carrot.

“Beg your pardon?”

“Undergraduates. Uggies. That’s what I think of them as. It fits. Say it.”

“Uggie. Uggies. I have class on Comparative Religion with twelve uggies in it. Hey! I like it! Much better than ‘student’.”

“Thought you’d like that. It’s more accurate too. ‘Student’ implies learning. ‘Uggie’ just implies that they’re paying us to stay in the dorms and play lacrosse.”

“This you learned in Ukraine?”

“Nope. In my home town of Stanislav, just west of Odessa, we had no uggies. Only students. Anyone who fell by the way ended up smelling like рыба for the rest of her life. I learned about uggies when I came here.”

“I believe it.”

Tatiana sighed.

“Listen Roland, would you like to sign a petition for a called senate meeting? This efficiency thing is getting out of hand. Today it’s Existential Studies, tomorrow Comparative Religion. We have to hang together.”

“Yeah, I heard about this. Quite the rabble-rouser is your colleague Milton. Heard he rousted that insufferable Baglia person from the bathroom.”

“True,” she laughed again.

“I sent Milton packing when he came skulking around with that ridiculous clipboard. He should get a job as a meter reader.”

“His heart’s in the right place.”

“Look, Anna, what’s the point? You know how it works. We’ll have a big meeting, lots of expectations but no real agenda. The usual blowhards will let off steam. We’ll hear about the parking problem, the athletic program, the tuition level, all the usual crap, the complete catalog of emotional tics that parasitize our dear colleagues. Why in God’s name would I want to volunteer to listen to it again?”

Tatiana nodded. Any of her remaining enthusiasm had vanished. He was right, she knew.

“Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way,” she said.

“Right. Maybe there’ll be a burning bush to tell us God’s will.”

Tatiana stared at him. She was suddenly covered with gooseflesh. For the first time in a long, long time, she knew exactly what to do. The amorphous complexity of EVERYDAMNTHING had suddenly rolled over and in an instant shown her a soft underbelly where the rules didn’t apply anymore. She remembered finally to breathe.

“See a ghost?” Roland asked. Something in his eyes told her he was no stranger to the transcendental.

“What did Archimedes say about hammers?” She left the salad uneaten and prophesied as she stood to leave: “Don’t eat all that or it will kill you.”

“Don’t worry about me. And it’s levers, not hammers. Big enough to move the world. You just need a place to stand.”

Tatiana just grinned. She felt like Thor. Hammers indeed.

*** 4:15 pm ***

Milton grinned from Tatiana’s office door. She didn’t think she’d ever seen his teeth before.

“We did it!” he said, holding out the now-infamous clipboard.

“Yeah?” Tatiana stood from behind her desk and gave him a high-five. “When’s the meeting? Have they scheduled it?”

Milton wilted a bit.

“Man, was Penny mad! I mean Dr. Proctum. I thought she’d bite my head off.”

“Ah, yes, I imagine it’s more work for her. Being chair of the faculty senate is not a fun job even ordinarily. What’d she say?”

“She said it was a waste of time. That if even half of the people on the petition even showed up, she’d be shocked out of her underwear.”

“She may have a point about that. What do you suppose we could do to pack them in?”

Milton looked at her blankly.

“A scandal,” Tatiana mused. “We need a good scandal.” She thought for a minute until an idea came to her. There was no good in telling Milton, though. He could only screw things up. “You think of a good one, tell me, okay?”

“Okay,” Milton said, still puzzled. He seemed deflated now that the news had been delivered. “The meeting is on Thursday.”

“This Thursday? Good lord, that’s only two days! Oh, I get it. This is another way to make sure we don’t have a quorum. Very clever. I think dear Penny may have been chatting with the president.


*** 9:00 Wednesday ***


Brenda Bender looked across her cluttered desk at the chair of Existential Studies with the perfect fake smile. Tatiana glanced at the placard on her desk: Assistant to the Assistant Dean for Efficiency.

“Good morning,” Tatiana said. “Is Tick-Tock in?”

Brenda contained her irritation at the use of THAT name.

“No, DOCTOR HAPOLLONIAN is in a meeting.”

“Really? I didn’t see his car in the parking lot. Probably stayed up late playing poker and is sleeping it off. That’d be my guess.”

“What exactly do you want, Professor Tolstov?” Brenda shuffled some papers and turned to her computer.

“Oh, I just need a copy of the appendix to the Program Efficiency Report. My copy had the appendix omitted.” She waved a manila folder stuffed with papers.

Brenda sulked for a moment. “It’s in a file in his office. Just a minute.” She unlocked her boss’s door and vanished inside.

Tatiana quickly stepped to Brenda’s laser printer, slid open the bottom paper tray, and lifted out a thick sliver of the assistant dean’s personal letterhead. She slid the paper into the folder she’d brought. She shut the printer tray just as Brenda reappeared. Tatiana lifted the phone and pretended to dial.

“Sorry,” Tatiana said, “I forgot to call the cleaner’s this morning.”

Brenda just glowered. She ran off a copy of the missing appendix, and handed it to her tormentor.

“Not picking up... Guess I’ll try later. Thanks so much dear. Hope to see you again soon.” Tatiana left. Her heart was beating fast.

Back in her office, she locked her door and started composing.



*** 10:00 ***



Tatiana walked to the science building, remembering a time when she’d made the trip much more frequently. Inside, she stopped outside the office door with the placard for Professor Francisco Fandango, Chemistry. The lights were off. She inspected the course schedule on the wall.

“He’s in lab, down in 205,” a student with white coat and goggles volunteered.

“Thanks.” She knew well where the lab was.

“Cisco?” She called over the lab tables, glass tubes, and mysterious electronic machinery. The smell of the place brought back poignant memories for her.

“Anna?” the familiar voice called from the adjacent storeroom.

Cisco appeared with a beaker of some clear liquid swishing around. There was a crinkle of pain showing around the corners of his eyes.

“What brings you to these parts, stranger?” he attempted.

“Oh Cisco, I’ve missed you. You know that. That year we were on Curriculum together... I was sitting in my office, and it just hit me—it’s been too long since I’ve seen you. I was thinking maybe, if you’re interested, I’d cook something for you, and we could just talk about the ‘good ole’ days.”

“I’d like that,” he said. He squinted in thought. “Why now, Anna? It’s been almost a year since I’ve heard from you. It’s almost as if when our joint committee assignment was over, so was our relationship.”

“You’re so silly, Cisco. It sounds like you’re implying I was using you to get votes favorable to my department or something. What do you think I am?”

“Good lord, no! I wasn’t thinking that, really.” It was pretty clear what he was thinking from his roaming eyes.

“Well I hope not. So Friday night? I was thinking maybe Sea Bass with pomegranate sauce. Do you think Sauvignon Blanc is too light for the sauce?”

“Absolutely. I’d go with a red, in fact. I found a wonderful Chilean wine I’d be happy to bring.”

“It’s a date, then! Say eight o’clock at my place—oh, wait, better make it nine. I’ve got to stop by the mall and exchange something. There was a tear in my new silk pajamas. Can you imagine? A hundred dollars I paid for the things—not that there’s that much silk in them, if you know what I mean. Quite the rip off. Anyway, I’m babbling. See you Friday then?”

“Sure. Absolutely. Nine o’clock. You can count on it.”

Tatiana blew him a kiss and waved over her shoulder as she left. She stopped at the door, though, and turned.

“Oh, I almost forgot. Do you think you could do me a tiny favor, Cisco, my love?”

*** 8:15 Thursday ***

Fred Fromfeld, professor of Applied Ambiguities, paused, key in hand, before his office door. Two sheets of paper were stuck under the door. One was folded, and obviously expensive paper. The other was a plain white sheet with just the corner sticking out. He was a tall man, and his back creaked as he bent over to retrieve the items. He pulled reading glasses from his pocket as he pushed the door open.

The plain sheet was a reminder of the special called senate meeting at ten O’clock. He snorted and wadded it up to toss in the trash bin. He took more time with the thick cream letterhead, absorbing the words.

From: Harry Hapollonian, Assistant Dean for Efficiency
To: Faculty
Subject: Recommendations for improvements

The Efficiency Committee has completed its study, and is about to release the full findings to the Board of Trustees. Here is a brief summary of proposed changes that could impact the faculty, provided to you as a courtesy.

1. Classes will be reduced from 50 lecture minutes to 40 lecture minutes plus 10 minutes of student-to-student communication, which does not require the presence of a professor. The number of credits will remain the same for purposes of counting hours, but professors’ (respective) loads will be proportionally increased to account for this change. I.e. instead of teaching 12 credits at 50 minutes per credit in a semester, you will teach 14 credits at 40 minutes per meeting. There will be, of course, no pay increase, since you are teaching for the same amount of time either way.

2. No classes with fewer than seven students will be offered except as ‘extra’ unpaid offerings volunteered by the faculty. Instead, students will be expected to be lumped together in more generic ‘schoolhouse’ type classes at the upper levels. These may need to be interdisciplinary in nature in order to come up with the requisite number of students.

With the savings in efficiency from these two initiatives, we expect to be able to fully fund both men’s and women’s football teams in the fall. As a side note, all faculty parking spots will be eliminated to make room for the coaches.

Prof. Fromfeld gave a bellow that would have made any bull moose proud and headed straight for his department chair’s office.


*** 9:30 ***

Dining Services had not asked any questions when Tatiana had requested a large bowl of punch to be placed outside the auditorium for this morning’s meeting. All they wanted to know was what department to charge it to. She had gleefully given them the account number for a certain assistant dean.
The crew set it up efficiently, with plenty of ice and paper cups, and left. Tatiana stirred the pink liquid with the ladle and looked into the large ornate mirror on the wall. No one was around. She reached into her bag and retrieved the vial that Cisco had made for her. It had ended up taking a lot more convincing than she had figured on, but she had gotten what she wanted. She quickly emptied the clear contents into the bowl, dropped the vial back into her bag, and then stirred the punch some more. Then she went to the ladies’ room to dispose of the evidence and wait. It didn’t take long for an angry buzz of professor’s voices to be heard. It escalated quickly.





*** 10:10 ***

Penny Proctum banged the senate chair’s gavel for the fourth time.

“Can I have order please? PLEASE!”

The room was packed. Tatiana had never seen a faculty senate meeting so well attended, or so animated. She glanced at her watch, wondering how long it would take the drugs to start having effect for those lucky individuals who had drunk from the punch bowl. Just looking around, she saw that about half those gathered had paper cups in their hands. They would each shortly begin to feel the effects of the combination of a mild hallucinogen, a narcotic, and something like a truth serum, a cocktail produced late during the night by a certain chemist she knew. She was surprised to find that she felt no trace of guilt or fear. Francisco slid into the seat beside her.

“Exciting, huh?” he said, looking down her dress.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet, hon. You ain’t seen nothing yet.”



“HOO-AH!” the president’s voice boomed through the auditorium like an artillery shell. All voices muted. Ezra stood at the front of the room and put his paper cup on the podium, next to Penny’s. He spoke into the microphone.

“I would hope that you would show your elected chairperson a little more respect than this. Madame chair?”

“Thank you Mr. president. I hereby call this special meeting of the faculty senate to order.” She was clearly enjoying her role at the center of this storm. “And I believe that the president has an announcement to make concerning a certain memo that you may have received this morning.” She stepped away to give him the microphone.

“Thank you. Yes. Let me first say that I realize there is a lot of false information circulating out there. I can think of no better forum than this to set a few facts straight.”

He paused to take a sip of punch.

“When I was a boy,” he began, “I had a goat. It was a Billy goat and it would eat everything in sight. Nobody liked the goat but me, and my father in particular would take every opportunity to say what a stupid animal it was, and how it should be made into glue. His name was Goaty—the goat, not my father.” Those assembled laughed just enough to assure the president that they were still here. Almost everybody present had heard some version of the goat story at least once.

“One day,” he continued, “Goaty took a hankering to my father's workshirt. My father worked for the railroad, and they had provided him with a shirt. I remember that it had his name sown into the pocket. Donald, it said. That was my father’s name. My mother took some red thread and put ‘jr.’ after the name, because my grandfather's name was also Donald, and he worked for the railroad too. That shirt was special. Well, you can probably guess what Goaty did.”

Boy, can we, thought Tatiana.

“Goaty ate my father's workshirt. All except the buttons, which he left laying on the ground next to the clothesline in a neat little pile. He even ate the red thread that my mother had sewn into the pocket. I was the one to discover this act of consumption, and I had to decide what to do. On the one hand, I could tell my father what had happened, and suffer the consequences, or I could lie, and say that I didn't know what had happened to the shirt. I knew that if I told the truth, Goaty would be sold or given to Mr. Swanson, the butcher. I didn't say anything at dinner that night when the topic came up. Mother was worried because she couldn’t find the shirt, and allowed as to how it might have gotten caught in a gust and flown away due to the inferior clothespins she had to make do with. I just ate my carrot and potato pie in silence. But I knew I had to tell the truth eventually. And I did so the very next morning. And Goaty left our family for greener pastures.” Ezra looked heavenward for a second, and then started to get around to the point of this recitation of the Goaty saga.

“I believe that when the truth has to be told, the best thing is just to tell it.” He paused for effect.

“We have problem. Last year, despite our best efforts, we have not been able to match revenues with expenses for the academic year.

“The board of trustees has advised me that we will have to make some cuts. This will not be easy. As you know, last year we added several positions in anticipation of higher enrollment. Now those decisions will obviously have to be reviewed.” He took another sip of punch, and Tatiana thought she saw him twitch once.

“Now as to this, uh,..., this memo here. It appears that someone has played a little joke on you. This memo, on the Assistant Dean for Efficiency’s letterhead,” he wagged one of the offending documents over his head, “is a,...,a, uh,...” he swatted at the air in front of him a couple of times. There were scattered chuckles from the faculty.

“I lost my train of thought,” he said. Penny whispered in his ear.

“Ah, yes. My friends...” he leaned forward to be intimate with his audience, “there IS no such thing as women’s football! That was clearly a typo by that frigid excuse for a woman who types Tick-Tock’s memos because he never learned how to do it himself, the boob.”

The senate erupted in laughter. It went on until the president practically screamed into the microphone.

“AT EASE! I will have respect in my own house! Well, now I’ve said my piece. We’re all friends here. Except for a few of you—you know who you are—insufferable academics. Pains in the ass, if you want to know the truth.”

Penny frantically tried to get him to move away from the podium, and ultimately succeed with a powerful bump from her hip that almost sent him sprawling. More laughter greeted this bit of slapstick. No one had ever seen such an entertaining meeting. Professors looked around at each other to see if others were enjoying the carnival nature of the event. About half of them were appreciating it in a preternatural way, enhanced with bits of chemical magic.

“My god,” Cisco whispered to Tatiana, “What’s with these people?” His eyes were as big as bagels. Tatiana smiled a crooked smile and patted his hand.

“So, so, so, I think maybe we should, heh, get on with the completely useless business at hand,” Penny continued. “Milton, would you like to present the reasons for your, uh, petition?”

Milton stood. He swayed a bit, but his voice was strong in a way that Tatiana had never heard. She marveled that there could be a bit of iron in the man after all.

“NEVER in the course of world affairs has a group of people been treated so disrespectfully,” he said, throwing his arms up dramatically. The sight was so out of character and so completely absurd that it shocked some people back to reality. What the hell is going on here, you could almost hear them thinking. Milton continued on with one rhetorical device topping the next until wars had been rumored and declared and the horsemen of the apocalypse were in full gallop. Then he abruptly sat down again. There was dead silence.

“May I make a suggestion?” the mousy professor of Ceramic Meretriculation, Gerald Greer asked. Heads turned to look at him. He cleared his throat nervously.

“We obviously have several serious challenges to the curriculum here, in this memo, and really, in previous attempts to do the same thing. Rather than reacting purely emotionally, and destroying what good will we have with the administration, why don’t we accept that there is some truth to the fact that economic forces have to be considered as well as our philosophical principles.”

“Go on,” someone said.

“Well, I was just thinking. If we broke up into small groups of four or so and workshopped ideas, we might just come up with something that worked.”

Tatiana watched, amazed, as a kind of self-organization happened right before her eyes. Without any bureaucracy at all, professors formed small working groups, whipped out their red pens, and began brainstorming. The combination of drugs had apparently hit some ‘sweet spot’ in the collective consciousness. A buzz of creative energy filled the auditorium. Occasionally arguments broke out, but were quickly muted. The white walls of the auditorium became instant whiteboards, with new mission statements, curriculum flow charts, and cost/revenue ratios competing for space. It went on for hours. Tatiana left to get something to eat, and came back.

When she returned only about half of the faculty were still there. Cisco was gone, and had probably fled the country by now, not being entirely stupid.
There was an impressive diagram on one of the walls, and Carla Carlos, a biologist, was using a laser pointer to explain it to the others.

“This is a brewing vat, used to ferment the grain. See the filters here and here—and coils to maintain a constant temperature. Beer is not distilled like whiskey is, so there’s no need for high pressures or high temperatures. Biology students at all levels will be working closely with Chemistry to make sure that the beer is not only safe to drink, but tastes good too. That concludes my presentation. Who’s next?”

“I think that’s us,” Yvette Yakkit, from Economics, said. “Business majors will be required to have at least twelve credits of internship in the project. This will include financing, accounting, advertising, marketing, and market research. I have just discussed with the Graphic Design folks, and they will be doing logos for the product line.”

Tatiana watched in amazement as each department presented its contribution to the proposal. PE majors would be bouncers for the bar, to be established. English and Drama majors would be bartenders and servers, respectively. At the end of it, there was exhausted silence as the Accounting professors presented the bottom line: given certain conservative assumptions, the income from selling the bottled beer retail and wholesale could generate just as much revenue as the proposed changes from Tick-Tock’s committee would save. The many hours of internships that the students would have to take would be like free tuition dollars because of the low cost of instruction. It was a beautiful scheme. Tatiana left them as they debated what the beer should be called (‘Rocke Rolling Brew’ was the leading contender). She felt completely drained, and started to wonder what she had done.

Later, with a perfect martini at the perfect distance, Tatiana began her nightly self-analysis. She heard the beep of the answering machine from the other room, followed by the voice of a hysterical chemist. She tuned it out, and started down her mental Escher staircase. The question she would not ask and could not answer was the obvious one: Of what use is an Existential Studies major in a brewery?